A season for everything?

(I started this post in June 2009 and finished it in April 2010 - talk about spanning the seasons)

You know that song... To everything ... There is a season ...

I've been thinking so much about seasons lately. How "seasonal" things can outlast their predestined or preappointed life span. How the term "seasons" is used to describe periods (usually of trial) in the human existance. Now is the winter of our discontent?

I began thinking about seasons because of a white poinsettia in the window of my grandmother's living room. As is the custom, she received it (and a few others) before Christmas. (In 2009, it was a white pointsettia that inspired me to start this post...in 2010, a red pointsettia that remains in the kitchen window inspires me to finish it.) A well known and very common symbol of the Christmas season, pointsettias don't usually last until spring (or summer, in the case of the white one). Except at Grandma's. This lady can nurse a pointsettia! But still, when walking into Grandma's kitchen in April, May or June the sight of a healthy, thriving poinsettia is a little off- putting. "Those aren't in season!" "How did that thing last this long?" "Wait, is that real?" Somehow this vigorous little plant and this caring, nurturing lady have managed to defy "seasons". And don't I envy them...

In this age of social networking, you can hear (I'm sorry...read) all about people's "seasons". Battles with illness, hard economic situations, relationships in crisis, the expectation of a child, an upcoming marriage, the loss of something or someone.

I never viewed life in this way until the last few years. Each stage of life is season. Some to be savored and enjoyed. Some to be weathered and survived. Here's to the thought of withstanding and spanning them all...like Grandma's pointsettias.

Good Intentions

Remember this song?
"It's hard to rely on my good intentions..."

It IS hard to rely on good intentions. At least it is for me.
I have perfectly good intentions on doing, saying, acting certain things or ways.
But lately I've been classifying my intentions. Some take extreme presidance over others.
Example: I intend to clean the upstairs of the house tonight. However I also intend to eat a decently healthy dinner and get enough sleep. If the latter don't allow me to do the former, ehh, I can deal with that.

I intened to be a good employee, although my job bores me to distraction. I also intend to find a job that doesn't make me regret working outside the home and shipping my kids from one "fill in parent" to another. Again, the latter being higher up on my scale of "intended importance".

What about those vague ones that we throw in sometimes: I intend to be a good person. Good to who? Because I'm figuring out that being good to yourself might not mean always being good to others. But in turn, being good to yourself will help you be good to others. I don't intend to confuse you, but honestly, don't intentions just confuse things?

Oh but haven't we also heard the ever daunting:"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Well, isn't that enough to scare you into action?

What are your intentions? Have you ever been asked that? I mean what a terrible question!
An intention is when you mentally determine an action or result. How can you determine the result of something, when all you can truly control is yourself?

Where is this going? I don't know. Because when I started this posting it was not my intention to fixate on intentions. But there you have my whole argument....you can't determine the result of things.

I intend to releave some of the pressure and stress that I feel by having no more intentions.
Que sera, sera! Let it go!

(now let's see if I can rely on that)

"Hi Mom!"

Over the weekend, I was channel surfing and came across "Forbes' 15 Hollywood Moms". Usually interested in anything having to do with motherhood, I paused. The mom being featured was Kelly Ripa. It must have been the end of her segment, for all I really had time to digest was that Kelly was a "hard working mother of 3 who has stayed fabulous, and always will be" (or something to that effect). Ok, I think, she seems hands on (at least from the beautifully edited photo montage), let's see who is next. Kimmora Lee. ("Warning! Warning!") After a recap of all things Kimmora, the show turns to focus on her as a mom. After running down the list of staff she employs, from personal chefs to a nanny for each of her two children, we cut to an interview with the lady herself. "Being a mother is a lot work.", says Lee. Ehhht. Buzzer. Click. I'm sorry what?! Now, I have no reason to dislike Kimmora, Kelly Ripa, or any of the other 13 women called out for recognition by Forbes. But in a program specifically made for airing around Mother's Day, do "THEY" really think this is what Mothers want to hear? Am I alone in thinking that the last thing most mothers want to think about on Mother's Day are women who make millions of dollars a year, employ a team of Mommy's Helpers, and look amazing every time you see them? I submit that I am not. I know a whole lot of Moms. I am one. I know moms with one child to moms with half a dozen. I know single moms and moms with partners by their side. I know moms who are "done" and those who can't wait to have more! Some moms I know work jobs outside the home, some work jobs while at home, and some have one job - the hardest job. Let's be clear, Dads - I'm not dissing you! For every time you see "mom" here, you could substitute "dad" and there are cases where it would still apply. I love Dads! Without them, there would be no Moms! But it's Mother's Day coming up, and well...I'm a mother. So women, fellow moms...allow me to recognize you and your lives and your accomplishments, your pains, your frustrations. Chances are you juggle just as much as "Hollywood Moms", but unfortunately Forbes and E! aren't banging down your door. Here's to the doctor, lawyer, chef, teacher, housekeeper, "handyman", storyteller, entertainer, councilor, gardener, accountant, taxi driver, cheerleader, coach, family historian (and whatever career you do besides all that) in all of you! YOU are FABULOUS! If you are like me, being a mom comes with a lot of questions. "Is this the best thing for them?" "Should I step in or let them figure it out?" "Should they be eating that?" "What time is bedtime again?" Every mom has her own struggles, her challenges in getting through the day. Getting out that door in the morning, getting dinner on the table, getting through that cranky time just before nap or bed. Mostly, I just want to make sure I'm doing the best I can for my kids, whatever that happens to be on any given day. Because that's all they get. Is it fair to my kids that I'm exhausted and that we rush out the door before 8 am and get home after 6 pm? Or that some days I don't even see them? Most days I'd say without doubt, no. But the truth is, I don't know...and neither do they. All they know is what they see, what we live.
As we head towards Mother's Day, I simply want to say...Thank you. Thank you, Price Chopper and Walmart for being open 24/7. Thank you, Nick Jr, PBS and Disney Channel for having programs that although annoying are educational. Thank you, Food Network for giving me something to aim for in the kitchen. Thank you, whoever invented methods of recording programs on TV that coincide with bath time and bedtime. Thank you, Mr. Bubble for bubbles and giggles. Thank you, weekly tag team members (Team Pre-K, Tammy, Terry, Mom, Susan and Dick, Kate, and of course Joel).
Thank you Moms! Thank you to those who have taught me. Thank you to those who inspire me. Thank you to those who have supported me, saying "Oh I know!" or "I'm right there with you!" Thank you especially to MY Mom, who has been all these things and more. She has been my go-to babysitter, my helper, my "date" and most importantly, my champion. Here's to you, Moms! Every day is Mother's Day.

No time to blog!

Is it really so hard to find a few minutes each day to log in and reflect on.....something.....
apparently - yes.

The Space Between..."pre k" and Pre-K

Yesterday was the first day of school. Luke's first day of PreK.
I'm totally fine. I didn't get weepy, I wasn't preoccupied with worry until I knew he was "home".
People kept asking me all day - how was I, did I cry. I've seen other mothers still teary eyed over an hour after drop off time. I was excited and marking in my heart the first of many "first days of school". But not super emotional...odd in hindsight because I do consider myself an emotional person. So I got thinking.
Think, think, think...as Winnie the Pooh would say. And here's what I keep coming back to -
I have pretty much always been a mother who works outside the home. (I hate the term working mother.)
I was working retail part time from the time Luke was about 6 months old until just before I found out I was pregnant with Megan. I was home for my whole pregnancy with Megan, but got a part time job when she was 2 and a half months old - and I've been there ever since - but now full time. And not even that - my job is 45 minutes away. I leave before 8am and am never home before 6pm. Back to emotional separations though.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm used to leaving my kids places. Not only that - my kids are used to be shuffled around and every morning they ask, "where are we going?" or "who will we see today?"
Pre - pre K, I felt minimally guilty. This week - with about 16 years of first days of school ahead of me (not to mention - sports, concerts, conferences, open houses, sick days, school vacations, etc.) the space between home and work seems to large, to full of things that shouldn't be as important as my kids. This week (and probably from now on)- I want that space diminished.

The Space Between...a dollar and a dream

For a four year old is...vast.

My four year old has a wallet, it was given to him as a gift. It contained a crisp new dollar bill.

A few days ago he happened across said wallet, very excited to have re-discovered it. He opened it, promptly removed the dollar bill and handed it to me. "Here mommy, I don't want this." I tried to explain that he should save it for later, that the purpose of a wallet is to hold money. I tried very briefly to make him see the value of this dollar he was so intent on getting rid of.

How foolish of me. A four year old doesn't need to be burdened with the fact that some paper is more valuable than other paper, and that someday he'll wish he had more dollars than he has. In that moment, that unwanted dollar became much more valuable to me than 100 cents...it gave me sense. And I hope the big picture that was revealed to me then, remains with me forever. Money is important...that is an unavoidable truth. But I'd like to maintain perspective, please. There are wonderful things in life that don't require money to experience.

I smiled at him. "Okay, buddy...let's go play..." And I pocketed the dollar and later took it upstairs to the "Dream Fund" jar...may it serve him well some day.

The Space Between...me and the world

Is getting smaller.
I've been considering starting a blog for a few weeks. Ever since I had to write one for work actually. I could feel the benefit and the lift it gave me to share my thoughts, even if there was no guarantee anyone would read them. Plus the added bonus of being able to really think out what I'm going to say, be able to say everything I need to without being interrupted, and being able to take a thought to completion with out it turning into something about some one else. These thoughts all greatly appeal to me, so I thought I would give this a try.

I haven't even decided if I'm going to tell anyone it's out there yet.

I decided to call it "The Space Between" because in so many ways I find myself walking a fine line in a space between two sides, or two things, or two thoughts. And so many times, when I get in the space between...I wish I could just stop for a minute and talk things out. Or on the other hand, I might observe the space between two things, or two ideas...and just need to get out how I feel about that stuff.

I'm not saying this blog is going to be mind blowing, or ground breaking, or earth shattering, or even interesting. It's something I'm trying as a form of expression and outlet and to help me navigate the spaces in my life.