The Space Between...Thanksgiving and Christmas

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas so much stuff happens that it's easy to see why the holidays are stressful and bittersweet for so many people.  This year - I'm one of those people.  

Thanksgiving was odd this year, and bittersweet really is the best way to describe it.  Missing spending part of the Thanksgiving holiday with Bramers and with my Dad, didn't really sink in until about 1:30 am on Friday after.  It was then that my body and mind were finally quiet from the day's many chores and stops.  Sharing the Thanksgiving meal with my sisters, my kids, my grandma and the Barbers was really nice.  Especially since we were last minute additions due to weather that stopped us from traveling north to see my Dad.  But those few hours spent in Schoharie were sadly missing for me this year.  And a Thanksgiving smile and squeeze between my husband and I was the biggest void of all. Friday after Thanksgiving found me once again surrounded by family - in a truly wonderful gathering of ALL my Barber relatives.  Hence the sweetness of that day came to remove the sour of the day before.

And now Thanksgiving is over.  My favorite of the holidays for many reasons, but mostly because it comes and goes with little fanfare and, save some cooking and cleaning, little stressful preparation.  Now it's full steam ahead to Christmas and all the little things that have become my Christmas-time routine.  The movies, the music, the decorations, the choosing of gifts, the planning to spend time with everyone.  Fitting it all in has always seemed like a chore, but happily done in the spirit of the season.  

This year though there will be a space...a space between me and those traditions.  I'll probably still do them.

I may watch the movies, I may listen to the songs.  I'll put up a tree even though I expect it will feel like there's a pine needle in my heart the entire time.  So I'll go through the motions.  "Fake it 'til I make it" as a friend would say. And pray that the space left by the absence of a great force, the space between me and this holiday, the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas - is filled with grace and peace and understanding.

And always with love.

The Space Between..."pre k" and Pre-K

Yesterday was the first day of school. Luke's first day of PreK.
I'm totally fine. I didn't get weepy, I wasn't preoccupied with worry until I knew he was "home".
People kept asking me all day - how was I, did I cry. I've seen other mothers still teary eyed over an hour after drop off time. I was excited and marking in my heart the first of many "first days of school". But not super emotional...odd in hindsight because I do consider myself an emotional person. So I got thinking.
Think, think, think...as Winnie the Pooh would say. And here's what I keep coming back to -
I have pretty much always been a mother who works outside the home. (I hate the term working mother.)
I was working retail part time from the time Luke was about 6 months old until just before I found out I was pregnant with Megan. I was home for my whole pregnancy with Megan, but got a part time job when she was 2 and a half months old - and I've been there ever since - but now full time. And not even that - my job is 45 minutes away. I leave before 8am and am never home before 6pm. Back to emotional separations though.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm used to leaving my kids places. Not only that - my kids are used to be shuffled around and every morning they ask, "where are we going?" or "who will we see today?"
Pre - pre K, I felt minimally guilty. This week - with about 16 years of first days of school ahead of me (not to mention - sports, concerts, conferences, open houses, sick days, school vacations, etc.) the space between home and work seems to large, to full of things that shouldn't be as important as my kids. This week (and probably from now on)- I want that space diminished.