The Space Between...resolution and resolute

res·o·lu·tion / [rez-uh-loo-shuhn] /noun 1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution. (seems easy, right?)

res·o·lute / [rez-uh-loot] / adjective 1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion. 2. characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc. (not so easy)

Right, so here it is. My annual post (see 2009 and 2010) about the new year and resolutions and all that. Both of those posts were about how, whole heartedly, I intended not to make "New Year's Resolutions". For the most part, I succeeded. I made no promises to myself or to others under the guise of the new year. Changes happened and life entered a new season and we are pretty blessed and grateful to have landed where we are now.

So - 2012 resolutions? Yes. This year I decided to make a couple. Actually I made one last year too, which is where some of this year's came from, so the story bares sharing. On New Year's Eve 2010, Joel and I were invited to a wedding. Finding something I was comfortable wearing was hard. I asked for his help. {Confession: My husband is more stylish than I am.} {Confession 2: I had a hard time trusting his choices.} This led to a discussion, in which I admitted to him that I was unhappy with my body.
*Let me stop for a minute to make one thing clear, I do not for one second think that a woman should feel pressured to look a certain way. Women (and men) come in all shapes and sizes. As do many other beautiful things...flowers, trees, birds...you get the idea. But you never see a peony killing itself to look more like a daffodil. Right? Of course, right! (a little Yenta, the matchmaker for you)*
OK - so- wedding, nothing to wear that I felt good in, big talk...and so...I decided to loose weight. I didn't make it an out loud New Year's resolution, but it was, in fact New Year's Eve so... Anyway, I got serious in early March (resolution - easy, resolute - not so much) and by the end of August, I had lost 22 pounds. {Confession 3: I just did a little cheer for myself. If you can't be proud of yourself, what's the point right?} Then, Irene happened. I won't go into a lot of detail, but Irene was the first of many excuses and the year ended with me 5 pounds shy of my 25 pound goal. Grrr. How I managed to only gain back 2 pounds is a miracle to me, although I lost muscle mass, no doubt.

So there it is. And here we are, 2012. New year. New goals. Oh and did I make just one resolution? Heck no! I went all in. 5! Here they are:

1. Finish my 2011 resolution and lose a total of 25 pounds from March 2011 to March 2012. (see next post on how that's working out for me so far)



2. Lose a few more by June and then maintain.



3. Do a few "me" things. (I'm gonna sing and blog to start.)



4. Get better at the "homey" stuff. (And I suppose by better I really just mean - be a little more joyful about housework....that and cook more...and better.)



5. Pay off one credit card and save enough to go on vacation in the fall.

Resolutions - done. Resolute? Characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc. OK. Go.

Last night's bedtime prayer

Lord, Thank you. Thank you for this day. The sunshine and the blue sky, the smiling faces we've seen today...all have been such a blessing.
Forgive the un-done laundry, the dusty mantle, the un-vacuumed carpet. I neglected them today, Lord.
But Thank you, oh Thank You for sidewalk chalk and bubbles. For tricycles and scooters. For plastic jugs to hold water which is poured and studied over and over. For soft grass and the "what color" game. For smiles and giggles made even brighter by the glorious sun.
Thank you, for this day.

A season for everything?

(I started this post in June 2009 and finished it in April 2010 - talk about spanning the seasons)

You know that song... To everything ... There is a season ...

I've been thinking so much about seasons lately. How "seasonal" things can outlast their predestined or preappointed life span. How the term "seasons" is used to describe periods (usually of trial) in the human existance. Now is the winter of our discontent?

I began thinking about seasons because of a white poinsettia in the window of my grandmother's living room. As is the custom, she received it (and a few others) before Christmas. (In 2009, it was a white pointsettia that inspired me to start this post...in 2010, a red pointsettia that remains in the kitchen window inspires me to finish it.) A well known and very common symbol of the Christmas season, pointsettias don't usually last until spring (or summer, in the case of the white one). Except at Grandma's. This lady can nurse a pointsettia! But still, when walking into Grandma's kitchen in April, May or June the sight of a healthy, thriving poinsettia is a little off- putting. "Those aren't in season!" "How did that thing last this long?" "Wait, is that real?" Somehow this vigorous little plant and this caring, nurturing lady have managed to defy "seasons". And don't I envy them...

In this age of social networking, you can hear (I'm sorry...read) all about people's "seasons". Battles with illness, hard economic situations, relationships in crisis, the expectation of a child, an upcoming marriage, the loss of something or someone.

I never viewed life in this way until the last few years. Each stage of life is season. Some to be savored and enjoyed. Some to be weathered and survived. Here's to the thought of withstanding and spanning them all...like Grandma's pointsettias.

"Hi Mom!"

Over the weekend, I was channel surfing and came across "Forbes' 15 Hollywood Moms". Usually interested in anything having to do with motherhood, I paused. The mom being featured was Kelly Ripa. It must have been the end of her segment, for all I really had time to digest was that Kelly was a "hard working mother of 3 who has stayed fabulous, and always will be" (or something to that effect). Ok, I think, she seems hands on (at least from the beautifully edited photo montage), let's see who is next. Kimmora Lee. ("Warning! Warning!") After a recap of all things Kimmora, the show turns to focus on her as a mom. After running down the list of staff she employs, from personal chefs to a nanny for each of her two children, we cut to an interview with the lady herself. "Being a mother is a lot work.", says Lee. Ehhht. Buzzer. Click. I'm sorry what?! Now, I have no reason to dislike Kimmora, Kelly Ripa, or any of the other 13 women called out for recognition by Forbes. But in a program specifically made for airing around Mother's Day, do "THEY" really think this is what Mothers want to hear? Am I alone in thinking that the last thing most mothers want to think about on Mother's Day are women who make millions of dollars a year, employ a team of Mommy's Helpers, and look amazing every time you see them? I submit that I am not. I know a whole lot of Moms. I am one. I know moms with one child to moms with half a dozen. I know single moms and moms with partners by their side. I know moms who are "done" and those who can't wait to have more! Some moms I know work jobs outside the home, some work jobs while at home, and some have one job - the hardest job. Let's be clear, Dads - I'm not dissing you! For every time you see "mom" here, you could substitute "dad" and there are cases where it would still apply. I love Dads! Without them, there would be no Moms! But it's Mother's Day coming up, and well...I'm a mother. So women, fellow moms...allow me to recognize you and your lives and your accomplishments, your pains, your frustrations. Chances are you juggle just as much as "Hollywood Moms", but unfortunately Forbes and E! aren't banging down your door. Here's to the doctor, lawyer, chef, teacher, housekeeper, "handyman", storyteller, entertainer, councilor, gardener, accountant, taxi driver, cheerleader, coach, family historian (and whatever career you do besides all that) in all of you! YOU are FABULOUS! If you are like me, being a mom comes with a lot of questions. "Is this the best thing for them?" "Should I step in or let them figure it out?" "Should they be eating that?" "What time is bedtime again?" Every mom has her own struggles, her challenges in getting through the day. Getting out that door in the morning, getting dinner on the table, getting through that cranky time just before nap or bed. Mostly, I just want to make sure I'm doing the best I can for my kids, whatever that happens to be on any given day. Because that's all they get. Is it fair to my kids that I'm exhausted and that we rush out the door before 8 am and get home after 6 pm? Or that some days I don't even see them? Most days I'd say without doubt, no. But the truth is, I don't know...and neither do they. All they know is what they see, what we live.
As we head towards Mother's Day, I simply want to say...Thank you. Thank you, Price Chopper and Walmart for being open 24/7. Thank you, Nick Jr, PBS and Disney Channel for having programs that although annoying are educational. Thank you, Food Network for giving me something to aim for in the kitchen. Thank you, whoever invented methods of recording programs on TV that coincide with bath time and bedtime. Thank you, Mr. Bubble for bubbles and giggles. Thank you, weekly tag team members (Team Pre-K, Tammy, Terry, Mom, Susan and Dick, Kate, and of course Joel).
Thank you Moms! Thank you to those who have taught me. Thank you to those who inspire me. Thank you to those who have supported me, saying "Oh I know!" or "I'm right there with you!" Thank you especially to MY Mom, who has been all these things and more. She has been my go-to babysitter, my helper, my "date" and most importantly, my champion. Here's to you, Moms! Every day is Mother's Day.

The Space Between...his Word and my life

...is quietly small and amazingly comforting.

This posting is a follow up to my last posting on grace.

Well over a year ago, on my Facebook account, a friend sent me a "flair" with a simple message: Gal 5: 22-23. I used to "rearrange" my flair all the time, but I haven't lately. This morning when I came across that particular one, I had to think..."what IS this verse?" When I looked it up, I was pleasantly surprised.

Gal 5: 22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I instantly was reminded of my post on grace. This is it. This is what I'm talking about.
How simply wonderful that I've had that simple affirming reminder "at my fingertips" for so long and that I found it again now, when grace is becoming such an important attribute to me.
I'm grateful.

The Space Between...should be filled with grace.

below are some thoughts on GRACE.  i didn't write these, a friend shared them with me...

life is a classroom. we are both student and teacher. each day is a test. and each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject: grace. 

grace is compassion, gratitude, surrender, faith, forgiveness, good manners, reverence, and the list goes on. it's something money can't buy and credentials rarely produce. being the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented, the richest, or even the poorest, can't help. being a humble person can and being a helpful person can guide you through your days with grace and gratitude.

it is not "if" we will lose the things we love, it is "when." with some, the loss comes in a major catastrophic event. for most, love is surrendered one piece at a time. a first childhood, a promising romance, the passing of a loved one and finally a child who leaves home. but as we lose, we can keep a deep knowing that in the presence of grace, love for the sake of love is eternal.

how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us has become one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.

The Space Between..."pre k" and Pre-K

Yesterday was the first day of school. Luke's first day of PreK.
I'm totally fine. I didn't get weepy, I wasn't preoccupied with worry until I knew he was "home".
People kept asking me all day - how was I, did I cry. I've seen other mothers still teary eyed over an hour after drop off time. I was excited and marking in my heart the first of many "first days of school". But not super emotional...odd in hindsight because I do consider myself an emotional person. So I got thinking.
Think, think, think...as Winnie the Pooh would say. And here's what I keep coming back to -
I have pretty much always been a mother who works outside the home. (I hate the term working mother.)
I was working retail part time from the time Luke was about 6 months old until just before I found out I was pregnant with Megan. I was home for my whole pregnancy with Megan, but got a part time job when she was 2 and a half months old - and I've been there ever since - but now full time. And not even that - my job is 45 minutes away. I leave before 8am and am never home before 6pm. Back to emotional separations though.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm used to leaving my kids places. Not only that - my kids are used to be shuffled around and every morning they ask, "where are we going?" or "who will we see today?"
Pre - pre K, I felt minimally guilty. This week - with about 16 years of first days of school ahead of me (not to mention - sports, concerts, conferences, open houses, sick days, school vacations, etc.) the space between home and work seems to large, to full of things that shouldn't be as important as my kids. This week (and probably from now on)- I want that space diminished.

The Space Between...a dollar and a dream

For a four year old is...vast.

My four year old has a wallet, it was given to him as a gift. It contained a crisp new dollar bill.

A few days ago he happened across said wallet, very excited to have re-discovered it. He opened it, promptly removed the dollar bill and handed it to me. "Here mommy, I don't want this." I tried to explain that he should save it for later, that the purpose of a wallet is to hold money. I tried very briefly to make him see the value of this dollar he was so intent on getting rid of.

How foolish of me. A four year old doesn't need to be burdened with the fact that some paper is more valuable than other paper, and that someday he'll wish he had more dollars than he has. In that moment, that unwanted dollar became much more valuable to me than 100 cents...it gave me sense. And I hope the big picture that was revealed to me then, remains with me forever. Money is important...that is an unavoidable truth. But I'd like to maintain perspective, please. There are wonderful things in life that don't require money to experience.

I smiled at him. "Okay, buddy...let's go play..." And I pocketed the dollar and later took it upstairs to the "Dream Fund" jar...may it serve him well some day.